I am a girl who likes to steer the ship. I like to have some say (okay a LOT of say) in what’s going on and I like to day-planner/project manage/to-do list/timeline my way through things. So 2015 was a bit of an upending of every part of my nature. I have learned, in no uncertain terms, that I am not in control.
My ship hit an enormous “perfect storm” this year, highlighting on every front how much I am not in control. My chronic illness was beyond my control, unwilling to cooperate with my plans, timeline or agenda. My dad’s health (and eventual passing) was out of my control, people’s behavior, choices, and decisions about their future were out of my control, the necessity of stepping away from a job I loved was out of my control. Not okay with me. But as I’ve gained some perspective that can only come with a bit of time and a lot of reflection and prayer, it's okay that I’m not in control.
I still have that primal urge to grab the steering wheel back and try to determine direction, but I’m learning. My best ideas aren’t nearly as good as His perfect ones. This nearly puts me into a panic at times, worrying about the outcome of some of these things, but I have learned in multiple devotions I’ve encountered just since the beginning of this year (it takes me a while to catch on, so God has to keep pounding the message home for me) that it is on me to be obedient, and the outcome is up to God. Again, his plans and timing are so much better than mine. I’m not called to understand the “why” of each move, I am called upon to honor Him in the midst. And sail on with a surrendered and grateful heart.
2015 was a storm for me, to say the least, a storm that frequently wrenched control of my ship from my hands, leaving me to feel rudderless and battered. But I’m reminded of the chorus of a worship song from probably 15 years ago and am so grateful for the anchor that holds me solidly safe in the midst of the storm:
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm
And other times He calms His child